Today started off just fine. We scurried around, got out the door to get Jonathan to school on time...then I came back home to work on my new business (more about that later) until time to run back to school in time to get a good seat for Jonathan's Christmas Program at Mother's Day Out. Keith and MeMe and Pop came for the program, which was great. Jonathan behaved himself on stage, even though he never once opened his mouth to sing. (And I KNOW he knows the songs... he's been singing them around here-sometimes at the top of his lungs-for a month now!) Then, Keith went to run some errands and make hospital visits, Pop ran a Christmas errand, and MeMe and I brought Jonathan home for a much-needed (but not much-wanted) nap.
Now, I know some of you think I should just give up on naptime, since it seems like we fight about it more than we don't. But the problem is that he physically isn't ready to forgo the nap yet. If he does, life is miserable for all of us from about 5pm till he finally gives it up and goes to sleep several hours later. So, in the interest of a happy life for all of us, and my own personal sanity, I still make him nap. Today, that's when it all started going downhill.
He did the customary getting up a few times and getting in trouble, but finally settled down. Pop came home, so MeMe and I decided to let Pop stay home with him while we went Christmas shopping. The plan was for all of us to meet at a favorite restaurant about 5:30, eat dinner, and then to to Zoolight Safari and see the Christmas lights-if it wasn't raining. MeMe and I had a fun time running around for a couple of hours, and got to the restaurant ahead of everyone else. That's when we got the call from Pop. Apparently, Jonathan had been acting the fool since being awakened from his nap at the prescribed time of 4pm. He had just turned over a large (beautiful) torchierre lamp that had been a gift several years prior and broken the large glass globe on it to smitherines.
To make a long story short, MeMe and I ran out of the restaurant and headed home, and Keith turned around as he was heading into the parking lot and headed that way too. Apparently, the broken torchierre lamp was not the only item he tried to destroy. I'm too embarrassed to even go into how horrible he had acted and what all he had done while Pop was the only one here. Let's just suffice it to say that he hit an all-time low in behavior this afternoon, and seemed to think it was funny, according to Pop.
Now, let me clarify. First of all, Keith and I love Jonathan more than we can even express. Because we love him, we tend to be pretty strict on him. Our philosophy is that if we administer proper discipline now and are strict now, hopefully we are laying the groundwork for the rest of his life. Hopefully, by the time he's a teenager we will not be trying to "get a handle' on him and throwing our hands in the air in dismay that he is disobedient and disrespectful. We do not let him "get away" with poor behavior, and probably tend to err on the side of being too strict rather than too lenient. Second, Keith and I love Jonathan and express that love to him constantly in words, affection, and time spent with him. There is a lot of love and laughter in our home on a regular basis.
Tonight, however, there was no laughing. Tonight, Jonathan apparently decided to see if he could outlast us in a battle of the wills. By the time we put him to bed, I was completely emotionally drained. And spiritually dismayed. Seeing how stubborn and disobedient my child is made me realize (once again) my own disobedience and rebellion against God. It's good to realize our own sinfulness...but it is far from pleasant. In realizing our own sinfulness, we realize God's holiness. And in begging God to give wisdom in how to discipline our children with love, we realize how loving and merciful He is to us every minute of every day.
I was in tears as I dried Jonathan's hair tonight. Tears because of my frustration over his choosing defiance over obedience. Tears over my inadequacies as a parent to know how to show him how important it is to choose right from wrong, obedience to authority over selfish pleasures, and to communicate how horrible he was and how much I still love him despite his behavior. More importantly, though, were the tears because the woman I saw in the mirror was (IS) so horribly sinful...stubborn and selfish...miserably wretched...and how much God continually loves me and guides me with his gently, merciful Spirit.
As I put Jonathan to bed, I told him how much I loved him, but how very disappointed I was in him. My voice broke and the tears burned again in my eyes as I laid him in his bed and tucked him in. "Mommy, you sad?" he said quietly, with concern. "Yes, I'm very sad about the way you have behaved tonight." With trembling voice, he replied, "Sorry, Mommy. Don't be sad..." It's what I want to say to God.
Tomorrow is another day...hopefully a better one. Thankfully, because of Christ and His death and resurrection, I can have that hope.
