I survived!-But then maybe it's not ALL about me...

The weekend is over, and Keith's theory that Jonathan and I can survive a night apart has proved true.  -Although I cried like a baby when MeMe and Pop drove off with him, and almost cried both nights when I didn't get to talk to him before he went to bed.  His face and that hug when he saw me Sunday evening was priceless!  -And I have to admit that I did enjoy spending time with my husband without worrying about getting home to relieve a babysitter. 

Friday night, after I sobbed for a while, Keith and I went out to dinner, just the two of us.  Then we came home, watched Friday Night Lights that he'd recorded, packed, and went to bed.  We pulled out of the driveway at 6:52 Saturday morning and headed out of town to a church that had contacted him about possibly coming to be their pastor.  Once we arrived, we were given quite a tour of everything in town and in nearby areas, as well as the church and pastorium.  They were sweet people and we enjoyed getting to know them.  Sunday morning, Keith preached and then the Pastor Search Committee took us to lunch where we were able to talk more. 

After lunch, Keith and I got back in the van and started out on the long drive home.  After much discussion, we both agreed that we did not feel like that was the place God had for us.  There was nothing wrong with the church or the town or anything... we just didn't feel like a good fit.  We both felt this way Saturday night, but just received further confirmation on Sunday, though the congregation seemed to appreciate the message Keith brought and the committee expressed a desire to present us to the church. 

I began to wonder why we went.  The entire trip seemed a bit pointless...until Keith spoke to the head of the search committee tonight.  He explained that, though this was a great opportunity for someone, we did not feel that the Lord intended it to be for us.  The committee member he was speaking with expressed disappointment at our decision, but then asked if he had any suggestions for them as they continued their search.  Keith was able to share some concerns and suggestions that could possibly make a difference for this church.  That was when I began to see that this trip wasn't so much about us... it was probably more about that church.  Lord, help me to be less self-centered and more focused on you...willing to go where you lead no matter why you lead me there.  Forgive me for always thinking it's all about me and give me a heart first for you and then for others. 

In a Frenzy

It's been one of those weeks for me.  There's been so much going on, so much to pray and think about, so much to do that my brain right now is having a really hard time functioning correctly.  Keith turned to me yesterday at one point and said, "You're in a bit of a frenzy right now, aren't you?" and I SOOOO was!  I was sitting still at the time, but my mind was going 100-miles-an-hour with thoughts bouncing around randomly like a tennis ball court full of balls bouncing in every direction at once. 

Here are some of the tennis ball thoughts that were bouncing around:

1. Jonathan is coming down with something, and I'm not sure what, and not sure if I need to take him to the doctor or not.  He's just not acting himself... little to no appetite for about 2 days, tired and today a little glassy-eyed, maybe a low-grade fever, periodic cough, clingy... I hate not knowing what's going on with him and really wish I could hook him up to some sort of diagnostic machine just like they do my car at Auto Zone.  
2. I'm so far behind at work that I'm not sure if I'll ever catch up.  Between my usual state of being slightly behind on things because of my normal work-load, I've been out for a week for the holidays, then was out a lot the next week because of our office being closed for snow... There's just a lot going on right now and I hate being behind!
3. As of Monday, Keith and I have made the decision to travel out of state next weekend to interview and preach at a church that has contacted us.  There are SOOOO many unknowns about that entire situation that it's really freaking me out right now.  I know God can and will work everything out, whether we move or not, but I don't know how that's all going to work out right now and the planner in me is miserable!  The other thing that's got me on edge about the trip is that we are not taking Jonathan.  He will be staying with MeMe and Pop.  I KNOW he will have a great time and that they will take great care of him... it's just that it will be the first time since we brought him home that he's spent the night away from us.  I LOVE our evening routine of play, bath, devotional, prayers, and nite-nite hugs and kisses and I LOVE being the one to open his door and see him as he's waking up in the morning.  
4. Keith and I have been praying for almost a year now about doing an International Adoption.  We met with an adoption agency yesterday to get some questions answered and have decided to go ahead with the process, once we know more about the situation with the church I just wrote about.  The whole thing is SOOOO exciting! -and scary! -and overwhelming!  
5. I need to clean house and plan meals for this week, and my mind is totally not into it right now.  

Those aren't the only thoughts... just the biggest ones that keep bouncing off the walls of my brain.  The problem is that each one creates a lot of related thoughts that just add to the mix.  I'm exhausted!

The really cool thing about having one of those weeks and having your brain in a total frenzy is knowing that Christ is sufficient.  I don't have to have all the answers because Jeremiah 29:11-13 tells us that "I (God) know the plans I have for you... plans to prosper you and not to harm you... plans to give you hope and a future.  You will seek Me and find Me when you seek with all of your heart."  (That may not be an exact quote, but it's the part that keeps playing over and over in my heart.)  So, I guess I should stop trying so hard to figure it all out and just seek God. 

Baking Bread

Keith and I have only eaten out once this year, and that was because we'd just returned from being out of town.  For some folks, that's no big deal...but we had gotten to where we ate out way too much.  It was a matter of poor planning and convenience because I love to cook.  I would just be too exhausted after working all day to cook and clean up from it... and sometimes I would be too exhausted to even think of something to make.  We threw away way too many groceries because we didn't pay attention and they would spoil. 

So, this year I started with a plan.  I made a list (that grows constantly) of things I cook that we like to eat.  It's divided into Main Dishes and Sides so I can easily mix and match.  Having that list is a HUGE help because I don't have to think of things to cook and can even plan our meals so that leftover ingredients can often be re-purposed.  We were blessed to receive a lot of venison on Christmas Even, which prompted us to clean out and organize our enormous deep freeze.  Now I know what I have and can easily find items to cook. 

I've also discovered the joy of baking my own bread.  It's a wonderful way to involve Jonathan in cooking.  He loves to help with the dough!  Mostly, he beats it to death or pinches the dickens out of it, but we have fun.  Kneading the dough is lots of fun and so relaxing!  The smell of bread baking makes the house smell so wonderful and homey... and it tastes WAY better than a loaf at the store.  I have a great French Bread recipe and today am making my own hamburger and hot dog buns.  Sometimes I use my bread machine... sometimes I use the mixer and knead it by hand but either way it's delightful and VERY economical! 

With meal-planning comes very careful grocery-list-making.  I started couponing (thanks Michelle!) about a year ago and saw a big difference in our grocery bill.  Now I've attacked it with renewed fervor.  I'm also trying to be very purposeful about stocking up on items I know I'll use when they are their cheapest.  It's been so wonderful these last few weeks to have plenty in my pantry to make a meal from.  I have yet to spend $12 and save $112 like some of my friends, but I have realized that I don't buy a lot of the things that come on sale and have coupons.  -And I'll save more by buying what I need and what we use than just buying because it's on sale and I have a coupon. 


I know this is old hat for many of you, but it's kind of my own personal challenge for 2011.  I want to see how long we can go without eating out, how much variety I can create in our dinners, how many new things I can learn to make.  I love cooking and Keith usually cleans up the kitchen after dinner so it's been great!  Jonathan eats better when we eat at home and Keith and I feel more satisfied and less yucky from eating out. 

Tiny Moments

You may not know this, but I LOVE being a mom.  I've ALWAYS wanted to be a wife and mother.  When I was little, I made sure that my baby dolls all had names, fresh clothes each day, and were properly fed, rocked, and tucked into their beds.  I loved playing house and pretending I had a husband.  Ten and a half years ago, God blessed me with a husband that FAR exceeds any of my expectations... a Godly man that I love more than I can express and enjoy being with even if it's just breathing in the same room together.  Almost three years ago, God blessed me with a son, who I think is about the most amazing little boy on the face of the earth.  We tried for about four years to have him, and lost three other precious babies along the way.  Then, he came into this world 15 weeks early and spent 105 days in the NICU before we could bring him home.  So, I have kind of a different perspective than some parents do about their children.  I cherish every moment with him, even the moments when he's whiny or I don't feel good or we're both tired and irritable...

But there are some moments along the way that are even more precious.  When Scripture tells us that "Mary took all these things and hid them in her heart," I think that some of the things she hid in her heart were those tiny moments with her Son... little things that made her heart swell or melt or break.  It's moments you never forget... moments you can still smell and feel.  Here are some of my tiny moments with Jonathan:

1. The first day I held him.  He was slightly over a month old, and it was the day before he got off the ventilator permanently.  He wore the tiniest lime-green crochet hat you've ever seen and was wrapped in so many flannel receiving blankets I could barely see his sweet little face.  He weighed almost nothing and I was scared to move because of all of his wires and tubes and hoses... but I laughed and cried and drank in the feel of FINALLY holding that precious gift of God.  That was also the first day I kissed him-I mean the first time I was ever able to put my lips on his soft warm skin.  It was right after I held him, as he lay in his favorite position on his tummy, right before they lowered the lid of his isolette... I kissed him right between his shoulder blades.  Next to my first kiss from Keith, it was the sweetest kiss I'd ever had.
2. Now Jonathan is almost 3 and I get kisses a lot-sometimes stolen and sometimes freely given-but I never get tired of them.  Wednesday I had to go back to work after being off for a week.  (Yes, a bit emotional for me.)  I was dressing Jonathan before I left for work and he leaned over, totally unprompted, brushed my hair away from my cheek with his sweet little hand and leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.  It was so unexpected, so tender, so sweet... I melted and got teary.  
3. Christmas Eve Jonathan began praying with us.  For a long time now, Keith and I do a group hug with him before bed and pray.  Jonathan used to just tell us who he wanted to pray for before we started.  Christmas Even night we did our group hug (with my dad, Grandpa, who was spending a few days with us) and Keith began to pray.  When he started saying people's names, Jonathan began repeating them, just as if he too were offering up a prayer for them.  He doesn't do it all the time, but I hope it is only the beginning of a continuous life of prayer for him.
4. Along with our prayer time, we have started a new devotional with Jonathan before bed.  It was given to us by a sweet friend (thanks Eddie!) and each page starts out "God always..." then completes the phrase like "answers me" "blesses me" "comforts me" etc.  Each page has several verses that give the promise.  The first night we started it, Keith opened it up and said "God always answers me" and Jonathan leaned over to him, looked him in the eye and started babbling something just like he was commenting on the fact that God always answers us.  He was so interested and attentive... I pray he continues to love God's Word and believe it and live it!
5. Cooking with Jonathan.  This is a fairly new experience.  Keith gave me a kitchen island for Christmas and I LOVE it!  -Mostly because it enables Jonathan to stand on a stool on the other side of it and watch me or participate in what I'm doing.  This morning, we made French Bread and Pizza Dough from scratch.  He handed me measuring spoons, we read the recipes together, and then we kneaded the dough.  He was a little leary at first of getting his hands in the dough.  -But once I assured him it was ok, he was all about it!  He loved getting the flour everywhere

The Beginning

A few months ago, in anticipation of some major changes in our lives, I created a list.  It's a sort of "bucket-list," although probably nothing on it is terribly adventurous or amazing to anyone but me.  It's simple things I want to do "some day," like learning to sew, and scrapbooking, and yes-you guessed it-starting my own blog. It's something I've actually thought about for several years and just never put the time into figuring out how to do.  -That and the fact that my husband is the writer/speaker in our family and I  figured I don't really have much to share that anyone else would want to read.  But, I've decided to let 2011 be a year for doing things instead of wishing for life to change "one day."  I want it to be a year of "blooming where I'm planted" instead of always wanting circumstances to change.  So, here you go...

I don't promise to blog every day or say anything profound... I just promise to try to be honest, to share what's on my mind and in my heart.  I'm constantly, often painfully, being shaped and changed by God.  He takes all of my broken pieces and somehow makes it into a vessel only He can use.  Hopefully, you will see some of those changes as this blog progresses.  I know you will see the cracks and chips and other imperfections.